Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
