i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
