So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
