i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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