carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
