Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
