worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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