and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
