He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
