We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
