Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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