I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
