the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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