I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The dick lei will go down in squad history
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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