Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
