i dedicated my morning wood to you.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
