last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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