Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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