im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
