dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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