you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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