Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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