mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
