the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
