Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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