Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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