God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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