At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i already hear my dad disowning me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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