Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
