I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
