video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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