she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
