what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
And then he peed in my hair
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