is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
