Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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