New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
did i walk over a car last night?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
