This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
