I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
