He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
