Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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