Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
