i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
