hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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