her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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