Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
