Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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