Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
