He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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