after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
