How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
