I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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