I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
