Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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