there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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