we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
