i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
