i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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