I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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