U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
