you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
