Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
where does the pee come out of this thing
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
