So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
