Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
