I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
