I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
